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Goings On...
Jan. 11th, 2013 11:13 pm( Pictures and my weekend... )
( Pictures and my weekend... )
Hurt Beyond Words...
Jul. 29th, 2012 01:54 pmI have never quite understood why I am not considered part of "my" family!Growing up and even more so today it has always been the three of them (meaning my mom, dad, and sister) and then me. I have never really been included in anything ever. No one calls me when something bad happens, or in an emergency situation and because of it one of my biggest fears is that something horrific will happen and no one will call me.
I got a taste of this fear today and I just got off the phone with my sister and am still crying. When this shit happens it crushes me, it absolutely more than anything in this world breaks my heart into itty bitty pieces that I have to once again try to piece together and every time I do there is one piece missing that can never be replaced.
My mom hasn't been feeling good for weeks and she insists on going out in the heat (which is usually 3 digits) and do yard work and mow the lawn. On more than one occasion she has suffered a heat stroke. I guess yesterday she wasn't feeling well and hadn't really been eating but today she went out to do the lawn and had a stroke/seizure. My dad called my sister absolutely hysterical which never ever happens.My dad doesn't get like that EVER. My sister even said he was crying, that isn't my dad! So my sister lives 30 minutes away so she called 911 and headed over. My dad put my mom in the tub in cold water to get her temperature to come down, and they were both screaming at one another while on the phone with my sister. I guess by the time she got there the ambulance was there and she had refused to go to the hospital. They pulled my dad aside and said she really needed to go but she won't.
Here is where my fear becomes reality!! No one called me! They won't! They do not even think of me. I found a suspicious post on Facebook from my sister and commented with a couple question marks. She then called me and proceeded to tell me about this. I asked her "Why didn't anyone call me?" She said it just happened. I don't expect when there is an emergency to be called in the middle of the chaos but after would be nice. She was already home which meant it had been several hours and yet again just like the breast cancer I find out via Facebook. I proceeded to tell her "things are going to happen to mom and dad and I expect to be called." I said, "this is one of my biggest fears that I will not be called in an emergency" and she replied, "you ought to know me better than that Tara!" Really, because you didn't call this time and you NEVER call. I found out on Facebook! My dad will never call me, NEVER and my mom keeps this shit from me.
I am hurt beyond belief right now and worried sick about my mom! I wish everyone could see or feel how much this breaks my heart. This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me! I just know that one of them is going to die and I won't even know about it. It will be too late! Why do I deserve this?! I have never done anything to deserve it. I was a good child growing up! Never a disciplining problem, straight A's, sports. I was never someone who lied, snuck out, broke rules, talked back, or did drugs and I never had a boyfriend or anyone for that matter. I was the best daughter a parent could ask for, so what went wrong?! I am different therefore ignored and not "part" of the family?!
I got a taste of this fear today and I just got off the phone with my sister and am still crying. When this shit happens it crushes me, it absolutely more than anything in this world breaks my heart into itty bitty pieces that I have to once again try to piece together and every time I do there is one piece missing that can never be replaced.
My mom hasn't been feeling good for weeks and she insists on going out in the heat (which is usually 3 digits) and do yard work and mow the lawn. On more than one occasion she has suffered a heat stroke. I guess yesterday she wasn't feeling well and hadn't really been eating but today she went out to do the lawn and had a stroke/seizure. My dad called my sister absolutely hysterical which never ever happens.My dad doesn't get like that EVER. My sister even said he was crying, that isn't my dad! So my sister lives 30 minutes away so she called 911 and headed over. My dad put my mom in the tub in cold water to get her temperature to come down, and they were both screaming at one another while on the phone with my sister. I guess by the time she got there the ambulance was there and she had refused to go to the hospital. They pulled my dad aside and said she really needed to go but she won't.
Here is where my fear becomes reality!! No one called me! They won't! They do not even think of me. I found a suspicious post on Facebook from my sister and commented with a couple question marks. She then called me and proceeded to tell me about this. I asked her "Why didn't anyone call me?" She said it just happened. I don't expect when there is an emergency to be called in the middle of the chaos but after would be nice. She was already home which meant it had been several hours and yet again just like the breast cancer I find out via Facebook. I proceeded to tell her "things are going to happen to mom and dad and I expect to be called." I said, "this is one of my biggest fears that I will not be called in an emergency" and she replied, "you ought to know me better than that Tara!" Really, because you didn't call this time and you NEVER call. I found out on Facebook! My dad will never call me, NEVER and my mom keeps this shit from me.
I am hurt beyond belief right now and worried sick about my mom! I wish everyone could see or feel how much this breaks my heart. This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me! I just know that one of them is going to die and I won't even know about it. It will be too late! Why do I deserve this?! I have never done anything to deserve it. I was a good child growing up! Never a disciplining problem, straight A's, sports. I was never someone who lied, snuck out, broke rules, talked back, or did drugs and I never had a boyfriend or anyone for that matter. I was the best daughter a parent could ask for, so what went wrong?! I am different therefore ignored and not "part" of the family?!
Thinking...
Mar. 10th, 2011 09:30 pmToday was a crazy day but in a good way! I did graduate today which feels amazing but it also feels like a dream. It will take a bit to sink in but I am proud of my accomplishments thus far and those I am facing in the near future. It was weird, when I got home from class today out of all the things that should have or could have been going through my head, I was thinking about my mom. I was thinking that for the first time in a long time she had something to be proud of me for. She could say my eldest dughter is married, lives in CA, and is a pharmacy technician. I know that sounds crazy but I wish everyone could understand how it made me feel to think that she was dissapointed in me or that she couldn't talk about me proudly without having to make excuses or tell lies. I am in no way saying my mother is this kind of person because she is not, and would never make me feel that way. I just know how hard it must be. I am not a selfish person. Wow, this is a hard thing to explain but I think that is the best way. My sister has always had amazing accomplishments and I have never had anything like that until now. I can imagine what would have been going through my mom's head before this when she talked about her oldest daughter. In a sense today was a relief. Not just an amazing day but a weight lifted from my shoulders knowing I made others proud as well.
Tomorrow I am going to complete an application for Walgreens and see where that leads!! It is exciting but I think the hard part is still ahead!
Tomorrow I am going to complete an application for Walgreens and see where that leads!! It is exciting but I think the hard part is still ahead!
(no subject)
Feb. 26th, 2011 10:02 pm"Hope never abandons you; you abandon it!"
Time is flying by now! This last Thursday marked exactly one week until I complete my internship, two weeks until I graduate from my class and one month until I sit for the National exam. I am so excited and yet so nervous at the same time. Things seem to finally be falling into place. I also have a real chance at getting employment with Walgreen's now which after hearing what they pay would be amazing!!
Tonight I had one fear put aside and for that I am thankful. My mom has been so sick and we have a history of pancreatic cancer in our family. Her and myself were afraid due to the symptoms that was what we may be dealing with. However, she was so sick this week that she couldn't wait for her appointment on March 14, so she went into the doctor and she has gall stones for sure and thankfully she was assurred that her pancreas looks clean! I could finally breath a bit better tonight. Just to show how close we are she woke up Thursday in so much pain she got into the Dr. immediately...well that night I had a dream that she was dying and I was saying my goodbyes. I am one of those people that believes in signs and such, so I thought for sure my dream was a message. So far so good, thankfully! I will be looking forward to the final results after March 14.
I am starting to get a little nervous about my surgery next Tuesday, it should be fairly easy but I am not looking forward to the pain. I am having some gigantic calcium deposits removed from my head...probably three in total. I have had it done once before but it was in a dermatologists office and I had insurance then, this is through the state and at the hospital in the same day surgery. I am not looking forward to the stitches in my head. They make it impossible to sleep comfortably but on the bright side I will not have these horrible looking things on my head any longer.
