Hurt Beyond Words...

[tarakins42]

I have never quite understood why I am not considered part of "my" family!Growing up and even more so today it has always been the three of them (meaning my mom, dad, and sister) and then me. I have never really been included in anything ever. No one calls me when something bad happens, or in an emergency situation and because of it one of my biggest fears is that something horrific will happen and no one will call me.

I got a taste of this fear today and I just got off the phone with my sister and am still crying. When this shit happens it crushes me, it absolutely more than anything in this world breaks my heart into itty bitty pieces that I have to once again try to piece together and every time I do there is one piece missing that can never be replaced.

My mom hasn't been feeling good for weeks and she insists on going out in the heat (which is usually 3 digits) and do yard work and mow the lawn. On more than one occasion she has suffered a heat stroke. I guess yesterday she wasn't feeling well and hadn't really been eating but today she went out to do the lawn and had a stroke/seizure. My dad called my sister absolutely hysterical which never ever happens.My dad doesn't get like that EVER. My sister even said he was crying, that isn't my dad! So my sister lives 30 minutes away so she called 911 and headed over. My dad put my mom in the tub in cold water to get her temperature to come down, and they were both screaming at one another while on the phone with my sister. I guess by the time she got there the ambulance was there and she had refused to go to the hospital. They pulled my dad aside and said she really needed to go but she won't.

Here is where my fear becomes reality!! No one called me! They won't! They do not even think of me. I found a suspicious post on Facebook from my sister and commented with a couple question marks. She then called me and proceeded to tell me about this. I asked her "Why didn't anyone call me?" She said it just happened. I don't expect when there is an emergency to be called in the middle of the chaos but after would be nice. She was already home which meant it had been several hours and yet again just like the breast cancer I find out via Facebook. I proceeded to tell her "things are going to happen to mom and dad and I expect to be called." I said, "this is one of my biggest fears that I will not be called in an emergency" and she replied, "you ought to know me better than that Tara!" Really, because you didn't call this time and you NEVER call. I found out on Facebook! My dad will never call me, NEVER and my mom keeps this shit from me.

I am hurt beyond belief right now and worried sick about my mom! I wish everyone could see or feel how much this breaks my heart. This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me! I just know that one of them is going to die and I won't even know about it. It will be too late! Why do I deserve this?! I have never done anything to deserve it. I was a good child growing up! Never a disciplining problem, straight A's, sports. I was never someone who lied, snuck out, broke rules, talked back, or did drugs and I never had a boyfriend or anyone for that matter. I was the best daughter a parent could ask for, so what went wrong?! I am different therefore ignored and not "part" of the family?!

Comments

[monika-nicole.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry Tara. :(

[tarakins42.livejournal.com]

Thank you Monika! I am too :(

[fission.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry, Tara. That is terrible that something like that happened and no one bothered to call you and let you know what was going on. I am kind of in the same boat as you. No one in my family ever tells me anything either. If I didn't call every so often I would hardly ever hear from them. =/

[tarakins42.livejournal.com]

Exactly...i only talk to my mom but she is so busy that we only talk every two weeks probably and it is only "how's the weather: kind of stuff, nothing very meaningful! But when something like this happens, it just kills me!I AM her daughter too!

[littlered21.livejournal.com]

:( Poor Thing, i do not understand why they treat you they way they do. Its uncalled for, your sister is a real bitch. If i were you, id find out if your mom has a dnr or anything like t hat. I am sure you know why.I love you honey. I am always with in reach when you need me font hesitate just call, or text. what ever works for you. I will pray for your momma and for you. I hope your family starts learning to communicate with you.

[tarakins42.livejournal.com]

Me too Ash! I just can't wrap my head around it and I know the day is going to come that I dread, and shit will hit the fan because I am no less her daughter than Kelli is.

[alejandra.livejournal.com]

Nothing I, or anyone can say (asides from your family of course) can make you feel better, but I PROMISE you, my sweet, that you have done nothing wrong. You are guilty of being yourself and it really speaks a number on people who are reprimanding you from your right to know familial information.

Remember that friends are God's apology for family. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not strong enough.

[tarakins42.livejournal.com]

Thank you Alex, I appreciate that! I love you!

[jetcas.livejournal.com]

I cannot find the right words to what I want to say here, Tara... but what Alex has said is very very much what I believe as well.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this... it's not what family should be.
We will always be your family, love... always. *hugs*

[tarakins42.livejournal.com]

Thanks Em, I am very grateful for the friends and online family that I have!

[uhmanduh523.livejournal.com]

Tara be my family. I don't fit in with mine either. Mom was the only reason I fit in. THE ONLY REASON. And even that was a strained relationship. I don't even remotely feel a connection for any of them. I'm so sorry they treat you this way. I'm sorry they don't see what they have,when they have you. And most of all I'm sorry they make you doubt how wonderful you are in the first place. I love you to the moon and back. And even if they all give-up on you,you STILL have family in me. ♥

[tarakins42.livejournal.com]

Thank you Amanda! I know you are my family...i was the one who made your thankful stating so lol! You me we will stick together. It's shitty and when I confronted my mom tonight she made excuses..i'm tired of excuses! I love you too!

[zombiequeen.livejournal.com]

With some families, no matter what you do, you will just never be apart of it. As sad as it is. That's why i feel family isn't defined as blood and biology. You seem like a really great person and i'm sure you have a lot of people around you that love and adore you and will be there for you no matter what. That is what family is all about. ♥

[tarakins42.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I do have quite a few great people in my life and you are right that is what family is about. I love my mom and she is the only one I deeply care about so that is why this hurt like it did. Her and I are fairly close, had it been someone else it would have been no biggie ordinarily.

[zombiequeen.livejournal.com]

Completely understand.
i hope your mom is doing better. ♥

[ashtrevino05.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear that!
I do hope your mom feels better soon!

[tarakins42.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[loveliness.livejournal.com]

I am so so sorry :( :(
I have that issue with my father's family, they tell me nothing but expect me to tell them everything when i do finally see them.
UGH.

*hugs* ♥