Hurt Beyond Words...
Jul. 29th, 2012 01:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tarakins42I have never quite understood why I am not considered part of "my" family!Growing up and even more so today it has always been the three of them (meaning my mom, dad, and sister) and then me. I have never really been included in anything ever. No one calls me when something bad happens, or in an emergency situation and because of it one of my biggest fears is that something horrific will happen and no one will call me.
I got a taste of this fear today and I just got off the phone with my sister and am still crying. When this shit happens it crushes me, it absolutely more than anything in this world breaks my heart into itty bitty pieces that I have to once again try to piece together and every time I do there is one piece missing that can never be replaced.
My mom hasn't been feeling good for weeks and she insists on going out in the heat (which is usually 3 digits) and do yard work and mow the lawn. On more than one occasion she has suffered a heat stroke. I guess yesterday she wasn't feeling well and hadn't really been eating but today she went out to do the lawn and had a stroke/seizure. My dad called my sister absolutely hysterical which never ever happens.My dad doesn't get like that EVER. My sister even said he was crying, that isn't my dad! So my sister lives 30 minutes away so she called 911 and headed over. My dad put my mom in the tub in cold water to get her temperature to come down, and they were both screaming at one another while on the phone with my sister. I guess by the time she got there the ambulance was there and she had refused to go to the hospital. They pulled my dad aside and said she really needed to go but she won't.
Here is where my fear becomes reality!! No one called me! They won't! They do not even think of me. I found a suspicious post on Facebook from my sister and commented with a couple question marks. She then called me and proceeded to tell me about this. I asked her "Why didn't anyone call me?" She said it just happened. I don't expect when there is an emergency to be called in the middle of the chaos but after would be nice. She was already home which meant it had been several hours and yet again just like the breast cancer I find out via Facebook. I proceeded to tell her "things are going to happen to mom and dad and I expect to be called." I said, "this is one of my biggest fears that I will not be called in an emergency" and she replied, "you ought to know me better than that Tara!" Really, because you didn't call this time and you NEVER call. I found out on Facebook! My dad will never call me, NEVER and my mom keeps this shit from me.
I am hurt beyond belief right now and worried sick about my mom! I wish everyone could see or feel how much this breaks my heart. This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me! I just know that one of them is going to die and I won't even know about it. It will be too late! Why do I deserve this?! I have never done anything to deserve it. I was a good child growing up! Never a disciplining problem, straight A's, sports. I was never someone who lied, snuck out, broke rules, talked back, or did drugs and I never had a boyfriend or anyone for that matter. I was the best daughter a parent could ask for, so what went wrong?! I am different therefore ignored and not "part" of the family?!
I got a taste of this fear today and I just got off the phone with my sister and am still crying. When this shit happens it crushes me, it absolutely more than anything in this world breaks my heart into itty bitty pieces that I have to once again try to piece together and every time I do there is one piece missing that can never be replaced.
My mom hasn't been feeling good for weeks and she insists on going out in the heat (which is usually 3 digits) and do yard work and mow the lawn. On more than one occasion she has suffered a heat stroke. I guess yesterday she wasn't feeling well and hadn't really been eating but today she went out to do the lawn and had a stroke/seizure. My dad called my sister absolutely hysterical which never ever happens.My dad doesn't get like that EVER. My sister even said he was crying, that isn't my dad! So my sister lives 30 minutes away so she called 911 and headed over. My dad put my mom in the tub in cold water to get her temperature to come down, and they were both screaming at one another while on the phone with my sister. I guess by the time she got there the ambulance was there and she had refused to go to the hospital. They pulled my dad aside and said she really needed to go but she won't.
Here is where my fear becomes reality!! No one called me! They won't! They do not even think of me. I found a suspicious post on Facebook from my sister and commented with a couple question marks. She then called me and proceeded to tell me about this. I asked her "Why didn't anyone call me?" She said it just happened. I don't expect when there is an emergency to be called in the middle of the chaos but after would be nice. She was already home which meant it had been several hours and yet again just like the breast cancer I find out via Facebook. I proceeded to tell her "things are going to happen to mom and dad and I expect to be called." I said, "this is one of my biggest fears that I will not be called in an emergency" and she replied, "you ought to know me better than that Tara!" Really, because you didn't call this time and you NEVER call. I found out on Facebook! My dad will never call me, NEVER and my mom keeps this shit from me.
I am hurt beyond belief right now and worried sick about my mom! I wish everyone could see or feel how much this breaks my heart. This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me! I just know that one of them is going to die and I won't even know about it. It will be too late! Why do I deserve this?! I have never done anything to deserve it. I was a good child growing up! Never a disciplining problem, straight A's, sports. I was never someone who lied, snuck out, broke rules, talked back, or did drugs and I never had a boyfriend or anyone for that matter. I was the best daughter a parent could ask for, so what went wrong?! I am different therefore ignored and not "part" of the family?!
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no subject
Date: 2012-07-30 12:44 am (UTC)Remember that friends are God's apology for family. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not strong enough.
no subject
Date: 2012-07-30 12:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-31 06:48 am (UTC)I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this... it's not what family should be.
We will always be your family, love... always. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2012-07-31 07:17 am (UTC)